Education

Coco Pops much cheaper than Turkey Twizzlers, says Theresa May

Chocolate – one of the Tory Party's 5 a day.

UK Prime Minister Theresa May has announced in the Conservative Party manifesto that the Liberal Democrats’ ‘free school meals for infants’ policy will be scrapped to save money, but has stated they plan to replace it with free breakfasts for every child in primary school education, despite the fact that almost all pupils start school well after breakfast time.

“It’s a genius inclusion in our manifesto,” stated Mrs May. “Nobody seems to have noticed yet that school starts at 9am – well after the time most kids have their breakfast. 100% of children are at school at lunchtime, but around 0% are at school at breakfast time, so providing 100% of 0% of children with breakfast is a grand total of no breakfasts. We’ve thoroughly costed this policy and it’s workable. These are figures even Diane Abbott could understand,” she cackled.

Tory MP for Bolton West, Mrs Ruth Less, said the manifesto policy is a win/win situation for all involved: “It’s mega savings for us which we can now transfer directly into Toby Young’s bank account or pump intravenously into the Grammar School system, but if a few stray students happen to turn up to the school’s Breakfast Club occasionally, then we give 100% of them Coco Pops which are a damn sight cheaper than Turkey Twizzlers… especially the posh ones Jamie Oliver calls ‘goujons’.”

Addressing critics of the policy, Theresa May has defended the nutritional value of her planned school breakfasts, saying they’ll provide all children with a “strong and stable” start to the day: “Our Weetabix has been specially manufactured from dignity we’ve stolen from the unemployed, stoicism nicked from the disabled, freedom pinched from university students, and is served up with milk made from the tears of northern miners which has been fermenting since the 1980s.”

The BBC News Political Editor, Laura Kuenssberg, has described the policy as “inspirational”, stating: “There’s only one person qualified for the job of snatching lunches from four year olds, and that’s Theresa May. Jeremy Corbyn just couldn’t cut it… pun intended.”

The Indeparent is a spoof parenting news website. For more tongue-in-cheek stories, please Like The Indeparent on Facebook or follow The Indeparent on Twitter.

12 Comments

12 Comments

  1. Ellen

    May 23, 2017 at 10:06 am

    Ha!! This is hilarious. Ugh it’s such a stupid policy. And I would love to know her thought process ‘Right, Thatcher became the milk snatcher… how can I beat that? What can I do? I know, I’ll take their free lunches!’ #bigpinklink

    • Maddie Sinclair – The Indeparent

      May 23, 2017 at 12:23 pm

      Yes, exactly Ellen! She’s modelling herself on Maggie without realising that most people don’t think that’s a good thing! Glad you liked it – thanks for commenting.

  2. Fran Back With A Bump

    May 23, 2017 at 10:43 am

    This is brilliant!! Thanks for linking to #marvmondays

  3. fridgesays

    May 23, 2017 at 7:06 pm

    #MarvMondays as a teacher this policy makes me so sad. She lost my vote due to several errors on her part long a go…but this policy is beyond stupid. As a teacher I can’t begin to say how vital school meals are – not to the poorest, but those just above the waves of poverty. sad times

  4. Musings of a tired mummy...zzz...

    May 23, 2017 at 10:10 pm

    An important topic that I feel strongly about as someone with children in infant school and I work in education, thanks for sharing #marvmondays

  5. Emma Island Living 365

    June 9, 2017 at 7:48 am

    Oh this is sooo funny, but also sad. I despair of what the tories are doing to our education system 🙁 Toby Young comment made me spit my coco pops out! #FridayFrolics

  6. Mama Grace

    June 9, 2017 at 11:19 am

    This is British humour at it’s best. I could cry at some of the policies, so thank you for a bit of laughter. #FridayFrolics

    • Maddie Sinclair – The Indeparent

      June 12, 2017 at 11:49 am

      Pleasure! I agree – if you don’t laugh, you cry. Sad times, but humour is the way through it all I reckon. Thanks for reading and commenting!

  7. Claire - Life, Love and Dirty Dishes

    June 12, 2017 at 12:36 pm

    I can’t even find the words for the ridiculousness of this policy. If I find the words it will turn into a dissertation! Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

  8. Silly Mummy

    June 14, 2017 at 12:48 am

    Haha – love it! Yep, you can’t get your figures wrong as long as your figures are 0. That’s Theresa’s policy! And, in fairness, turkey twizzlers would be an awful breakfast anyway – coco pops are much better!

    Thanks so much for joining us for #FridayFrolics

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