UK Prime Minister Theresa May has announced in the Conservative Party manifesto that the Liberal Democrats’ ‘free school meals for infants’ policy will be scrapped to save money, but has stated they plan to replace it with free breakfasts for every child in primary school education, despite the fact that almost all pupils start school well after breakfast time.
“It’s a genius inclusion in our manifesto,” stated Mrs May. “Nobody seems to have noticed yet that school starts at 9am – well after the time most kids have their breakfast. 100% of children are at school at lunchtime, but around 0% are at school at breakfast time, so providing 100% of 0% of children with breakfast is a grand total of no breakfasts. We’ve thoroughly costed this policy and it’s workable. These are figures even Diane Abbott could understand,” she cackled.
Tory MP for Bolton West, Mrs Ruth Less, said the manifesto policy is a win/win situation for all involved: “It’s mega savings for us which we can now transfer directly into Toby Young’s bank account or pump intravenously into the Grammar School system, but if a few stray students happen to turn up to the school’s Breakfast Club occasionally, then we give 100% of them Coco Pops which are a damn sight cheaper than Turkey Twizzlers… especially the posh ones Jamie Oliver calls ‘goujons’.”
Addressing critics of the policy, Theresa May has defended the nutritional value of her planned school breakfasts, saying they’ll provide all children with a “strong and stable” start to the day: “Our Weetabix has been specially manufactured from dignity we’ve stolen from the unemployed, stoicism nicked from the disabled, freedom pinched from university students, and is served up with milk made from the tears of northern miners which has been fermenting since the 1980s.”
The BBC News Political Editor, Laura Kuenssberg, has described the policy as “inspirational”, stating: “There’s only one person qualified for the job of snatching lunches from four year olds, and that’s Theresa May. Jeremy Corbyn just couldn’t cut it… pun intended.”