A press release received from the Battersea Dogs and Cats Home explains how, starting from today, dogs across the United Kingdom are to measure the age of their politician owners in a new form of calculation called ‘Westminster years’.
The shift comes in the wake of the biggest week of British political turmoil in living history, with Michael Gove’s family puppy, a miniature poodle called Brutus, explaining: “The ridiculous goings on of this past week have seen politicians moving faster than Jeremy Hunt at a Junior Doctors rally, so we’ve decided to create our own unit of measurement to help us identify the real age of our owners.”
David Cameron’s canine friend, a pig dog called Porky, explained that the group of political pooches calculated that one Westminster year is roughly equal to nine human years: “Given the number of years David has been confidently strutting down the corridors of power, we worked out he’s actually 274 years old in Westminster years. Although as of the morning after the Brexit announcement, he’s now back to one year at a time.”
Despite being three years older in human years than his old Etonian BFF David Cameron, Boris Johnson’s Old English Sheepdog Hugh explains that his master’s time as a journalist has helped to keep him young and spritely: “Boris is actually only 172 Westminster years old. In the political scheme of things, he’s really just an overgrown child. Can you tell?”
Of the rest of the Tory party, Home Secretary and favourite to be Britain’s next Prime Minister, Theresa May, turns out to be the next oldest at 212 Westminster years, according to her newly acquired pet dog Lucky, whose trip to the May residency sadly seems to have been cut short: “Theresa’s sending me back to the Calais Dogs and Cats Home,” said the female Afghan Hound. “She says she’s only offering temporary housing to the ‘most deserving’ of scruffy dogs, and apparently I’m not one of them. Personally, I don’t think she can cope with more than one b*tch in the house.”*
The Farage family pet, Adolf the German Shepard, said that his owner, Nigel, is only 52 in both Westminster and human years because “as an MEP he’s never done a proper job in his life”. He continues: “He’s always down the boozer eating pork scratchings and showing the TV cameras what an ‘ordinary bloke’ he is. He just led the campaign to dismantle the organisation that pays for those bloody pub snacks. How the f*ck does he still have a job? And the tosspot never lets my mongrel mates into the garden on ‘Arse Sniffing Saturdays’. He reckons our yard is already at “breaking point”.
Never one to follow the pack, it’s been revealed that Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn isn’t a huge fan of dogs these days, preferring pets of the feline variety instead. “At one point he had 21 dogs, but they all resigned,” explained Mr Corbyn’s beloved cat comrade, Meow Tse Tung.
*Sorry about the B-word Theresa May. I don’t mean it. I just can’t resist a dog pun.
The Indeparent is a new spoof parenting news website. If you enjoyed reading the above article, then I would love your vote in the Mumsnet Blogging Awards 2016 in the categories ‘Best Writer’ or ‘Best Comic Writer’. Huge thanks!