A poll released today shows that British residents are inclined to choose the side they think is the least utter bullshit for their EU referendum vote on 23 June.
The revelation comes just days after EU ‘Remain’ campaigner, Chancellor Gideon Osbourne, said: “I am absolutely certain that the pound will drop sharply against the dollar, house prices in the UK will drop by 10-18% and a Brexit will cause World War 3.”
On the same day, ‘Leave’ campaigner, Boris Johnson, said: “There is utterly no doubt that the pound will rise sharply against the dollar, house prices in the UK will rise by 10-18% and as the EU is today’s Hitler, a remain vote will cause World War 3.”
Head of Economics at the London Business School, Mr Roland I.N. Cash had this to say about the debate: “From a financial point of view, I’ve studied the figures with a magnifying glass and I can definitively say that the UK economy would be £142.4 million better off if we hadn’t just spunked £142.4 million up the wall on this godforsaken referendum vote.”
When asked if he thought the pound could drop sharply in the event of a Brexit, Mr Cash said: “Yes, it could. Simon Cowell could also come out as gay and Leicester City could win the Premier League, but is it likely to happen?”
Ben Frow, the Head of Programming for Channel 5, announced today that in an attempt to help undecided voters, the TV station would be broadcasting a jelly wrestling showdown between Katie Hopkins and Bendybum Cumberbitch called ‘Britain’s Got Ballots’. Meanwhile, the BBC has commissioned a new sitcom set in a Brussels department store called ‘EU Being Served’, starring Julian Clary as “the only man with the potential to out camp the ‘Out’ camp.”
Recent polls show the vote currently split down the middle, with approximately 50% of the public believing the bullshit sprouting out of the mouths of Brexit campaigners Nigel Farage, Michael Gove and Iain Duncan Smith, and a further 50% believing the gobshite of “everyone else”.
Father of two from Harrogate, Mr Noah Idea, admits he’s found the whole referendum debate confusing, but believes he’s found voting clarity thanks to cricketer and ‘Out’ campaigner, Sir Ian Botham: “I couldn’t think of a more qualified person to guide me on the financial and political intricacies of the European Union than a man who sent a pic of his own middle stump to the whole of Twitter. Maybe Beefy the bowler just has positive connotations associated with the word ‘out’, but who frickin’ cares? It’s as good a reason as any.”
Yesterday, Mr Johnson was left red faced after his housekeeper admitted she was surprised he had joined the ‘Leave’ campaign, due to the number of EU flag boxer shorts she’s made to iron every week: “I thought he was pro-Europe, but I must be wrong. He seemed almost as fond of those undies as he is of that snowglobe of the Number 10 door he has on his mantelpiece.”
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