An anxious mother of one from Southampton, Peta Repeata, has ventured into her local Sainsbury’s supermarket and purchased a single pack of Size 5 pull-ups for her six year old daughter under the premise that they’ll be the “last ones ever”.
When questioned, Peta admitted that she also bought a “last pack ever” at the exact same shop last week, convinced that her daughter, Pia, was “definitely about to finally stop wetting the bed this week… for sure”.
Pia’s father, Pete Repeata, has categorically told his wife to stop bulk buying pull-ups because “we’re almost certainly definitely there.” He has been attempting to hurry the ‘dry at night’ process up and avoid pull-ups altogether by ‘lifting’ Pia every night at precisely 9pm, 10.30pm and 11.45pm, but to date it has inevitably ended in a puddle of warm, steaming piss and shattered dreams at 6.15am the next morning.
Global parenting expert and mother of none, Gina Ford, has praised the Repeatas for doing whatever they can to avoid letting nature take its own course: “Children shouldn’t still be wetting the bed at six years old. You should do whatever you can to get them out of nappies at that age. If you don’t, you’ll undoubtedly still be wiping their shitty arses at seven, which, obviously, would be the utter end of the world as we know it, and will then continue until they’re 32 and working as an Investment Banker in The City.”
But Paediatric doctor Crystal Clarity disagrees: “There is absolutely no correlation between bed wetting in older children and an increased likelihood of becoming a banker. Bladders come in all shapes and sizes, and maturity levels vary. If they grow up happy to piss all over society with their loose morals and dogmatic ambitions, then it’s because their parents let them read ‘American Psycho’ too young, not because they continued to flood their beds at six.”