In what’s already being called ‘The Great Minors’ Strike of 2016′, thousands of children across the country are today protesting against the government’s increased Year 2 and Year 6 SATs attainment levels by not attending school, and instead having a “day of educational fun” in their communities.
Grubby-faced six and seven year olds nationally are voting with their feet, by refusing to continue on at the coalface of education with their tiny lanterns and morbidly depressing flat caps.
“It’s total bollocks,” said six year old Everington Village resident, Billy Elliot. “At this stage of our lives, we shouldn’t be defined by tests. We should be mining creativity, digging for diamond bullet ideas, rummaging with resourcefulness, and quarrying with questions. It’s literally the pits.”
Billy says that last week his pet canary took one whiff of the upcoming onslaught of subordinating conjunctions and fronted adverbials hanging in the air and promptly fell off his perch. “The squawking was unbearable. I checked his carcass once rigamortis had set in and I found an embedded clause embedded in his throat,” he says.
Parents of the striking juniors say they are “over-tested, over-worked and part of a system that places more importance on results and quotas than children’s happiness”.
Billy’s mother, 38 year old Kelly Elliot, also of the County Durham town, said it was time to stand up and be counted: “I’m thoroughly brassed off! That Nicky Morgan – she knows nothing. She’s just Margaret Thatcher with a bob… minus the testicles of course.”
Strike organiser, Martha Scargill of Grimethorpe in South Yorkshire, was reluctant to give Ms Morgan any credit: “In reality, she’s nothing more than Michael Gove’s marionette, but we mustn’t be complacent… the KS1 SATs are a rather large canary in a coal mine for the entire future of our children’s education.”
The strikers and their parents have received criticism from both Nicky Morgan and local authorities, with the official statement from both camps being: “We believe that any disruption to children’s education is unacceptable.”
When asked whether closing schools across the country for two days to act as polling stations for both the local council elections and the EU referendum counted, Ms Morgan replied: “That is clearly completely different.”
Ms Scargill has said that on those two polling days, she plans to be at home with her children teaching them how to spell the word ‘HYPOCRISY’.
The minors’ strike is just the latest in a series of walk outs called this year – the most industrial-action-ladened since 1984 – with recent protests over patient safety in the NHS by junior doctors, and changes to rail safety by the tube drivers.
Mother of four, Hedda Nuff of Brighton, has this week called off her planned strike over the daily chore of having to pick up her seven year old son’s skidmarked undies off the floor: “It’s relentless. I’m being forced to operate in an unsafe environment without being provided with surgical gloves. I threw my toys out of the pram on Tuesday afternoon and followed it up with a massive strop at bathtime, but on Wednesday I got given a card with some spray painted dried pasta stuck on it in a love heart shape and all was forgiven. I mustn’t forget, he does only have diddy arms.”