Education

Scurvy in under 7s no longer a risk now that election is over, say Tories

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Attribution: Judgej (Creative Commons)

The government has been accused of “quietly” scrapping free meal grants for nearly 3,000 small schools struggling to provide children with free hot meals, because their post-election medical examinations have shown that the majority of infant school students “don’t have scurvy”.

Smaller primary schools will no longer receive the £32.5 million in subsidies they currently get as “additional support” to help alleviate the financial demand put on them by former Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg’s policy of ‘Universal Infant Free School Meals (UIFSM)’.

Prime Minister David Cameron has already reduced the grant from £3,000 a year to £2,300, but following the Tories’ recent election win, he’s decided to scrap it altogether stating: “I’ve never really given under 7s at government schools a second thought before, because I don’t personally know any children who don’t go to Harrow or Roedean, but that nob jockey Nick Clegg made me pinky promise to introduce free school meals by throwing words like ‘childhood obesity’ and ‘targeted families’ into the mix. But now that we’ve won the election and he’s fucked off, our research shows that most infant school pupils don’t have scurvy, so there’s no need for it anymore – right?”

When asked if she was aware that many schools already made a financial loss on free school meals, Education Secretary Nicky Morgan said: “Really? Actually…we don’t give a shit.”

When questioned about whether he intended to discontinue the entire ‘free school meal’ policy for under 7s, Mr Cameron said: “I know I’ve said that I wouldn’t, but I’m just waiting until all 67 references of Nick Clegg are removed from Google and then it’s “bye to baked beans, farewell to fish fingers, see ya to sponge cake, goodbye to gravy, so long to seasonal vegetables, and ciao to chips. Mwah ha ha ha ha ha ha!”

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